i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
