mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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