I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
