We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
