Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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