Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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