my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
