I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
