It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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