I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
