i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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