Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
