My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You're so nebulous sometimes
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
