I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
