the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We need to get me chipped asap
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