Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
