He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
