It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
