they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I can't put those talents on a resume
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
