Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
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The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
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Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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