I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
