I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
