he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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