I just cut my nipple shaving
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Boobs speak an international language.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
