Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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