Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
