So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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