Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
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