My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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