so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
