I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
