That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
