ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?