I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.