Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
