trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
