i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
