i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
