My room smells like vodka and shame
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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