census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
