This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
