so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
