with your own penis?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
