it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
