If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
