If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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