No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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