I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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