I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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