In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
