there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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