He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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