Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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