Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
