nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I stole a fireplace last night.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
