He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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