hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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