so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
